In many societies and communities, being independent and self-reliant is often glorified, and many seem to understand asking for help as a sign of weakness. This is, however, far from the truth—while asking for help can feel challenging and bring about feelings of weakness, the actual act is another story—it’s actually a sign of both self-awareness and strength. No matter the age, it can be hard to ask for help, but it can feel worse as we get older. This is because we may need help for far more things as an older adult than we do when we are younger. This is not to say that understanding how to ask for help will motivate you to do it overnight, but it may help change your perspective that is so attached to the stigma of mental health. Besides receiving the help you need and relief from any mental discomfort, sharing your stories with those you trust and asking for help builds healthy boundaries and instills vulnerability, both of which strengthen human connection.
Why Asking for Help Is Important
We often underestimate the value of asking for help because we are too caught up in how we may come off. In truth, however, many people are going through things themselves and are not judging you for going through life’s circumstances. Keeping this in mind will help you take steps to being more open asking for help for anything you may need.
Emotional release and healing
When we don’t ask for help, we often tend to suppress our feelings and emotions about the situation and circumstance. While we are worried about how we may come off while asking for help, we are also making way for long-term emotional distress and even physical health issues to be part of the equation. When you ask for help and share your struggles, you are able to lighten your emotional load and have a sense of relief—which is very important for mental and emotional clarity and growth during distressing times.
Strengthening problem-solving skills
When you are open to seeking help and do so from people you trust (like family, friends, or colleagues), you also keep your mind open to different perspectives, ideas, and strategies. The people you speak to have their own experiences and wisdom that can bring you solutions or approaches to your problem that you didn’t think of. Understanding different perspectives of people also helps build problem-solving skills yourself, making you much more emotionally resilient and able to handle challenges.
Instills interdependence
Commonly, asking for help is associated with being dependent, but it’s actually the opposite—it makes you more adapted to interdependence. This is when people can depend upon and rely on each other in a healthy manner while they support each other’s growth and well-being. We often forget that most relationships (of any kind) are built and maintained on interdependence, making them deeper and more secure.
The Psychological Barriers to Asking for Help
There are many reasons why we “feel bad” or feel like it’s “wrong” to ask for them—it can stem from personal insecurities but is also heavily influenced by many factors like nature and nurture. There are some common reasons, though, that people shy away from asking for help:
Cultural expectations
There are many norms and values within a culture that can shape how we view the act of asking for help. In some cultures, there is a strong focus on living life being self-sufficient, with the idea of asking for help being regarded as ““you shouldn’t trouble others with your problems.” These are years of ingrained beliefs that can make seeking support feel like a violation of cultural expectations.
Gender stereotypes
You’ve heard “it—“men don’t cry.” Many individuals, especially men, find it challenging to ask for help; most often, they silently get through their troubles alone. This is because, unfortunately, our society has associated masculinity with ONLY being tough and having emotional restraint. In some other cases, women, for example, feel like they have to be the “perfect” mother or daughter by suppressing their vulnerability, especially in caregiving or professional roles.
Past experiences
Negative experiences from the past can help shape how we view struggles in our future—this could be feeling ignored, judged, or even being dismissed when you do open up and ask for help. It would be unrealistic to say that you may not feel the same way again; this is because people react to situations and other people differently. What you should keep in mind, though, is just that—not everyone will treat you with negative feedback. It can be hard to overcome this fear, but it’s important to know that finding a person you trust and opening up to them is possible.
Actionable Steps to Ask for Help
Recognize when you need help
The first step with asking for help for anything is admitting that you do need it, finding out when you need help is important. Many people procrastinate or delay in reaching out for help until they are completely overwhelmed; this can make stress, the situation, and their ability to deal with their distress much worse. By understanding you may need help at the right time, it will help you not only seek help and solutions for your problem quicker, but it also prevents your emotional health from being affected long-term. Here are some ways you can recognize when you need to be asking for help:
- If you have constant and regular feelings of stress, anxiety or confusion.
- If through introspection you’ve realized that challenges are affecting your daily life, relationships, and productivity poorly.
- If your answer to the question “Am I overthinking this too much and feel like I can’t get through this alone?” yes.
Clarify what kind of help you need
Before you decide to reach out and ask for help, take some time to understand what kind of help you need to get through the distress you’re feeling. When you are specific with this, it makes it easier for others to understand how they can help you, and it also increases the chances of you getting the right type of support. It’s best to ask for requests in small, actionable steps. Some examples of specific requests could be:
- Instead of saying, “I’m struggling,” try to ask, “I need help managing my time better so I can meet my deadlines.”
- Another example would be, “Can you help me in brainstorming solutions for this problem I’m going through?” instead of “Can you help me?”
Choose your person
Of course the point of asking for help is hoping you’d get help in return—and this is often better with people that you’ve chosen and trust. Many people come with different levels of understanding, abilities, expertise, and even availability to help. Choosing the right person can be daunting during a tough situation, but here are some things to think about that could help make that process easier.
- Consider the situation: Think about expertise; for example, if you need help with work or your career, speaking to a mentor or a trusted colleague would be a better option than your family.
- Make sure you’re comfortable: Trust is an important factor when it comes to asking for or giving out a helping hand. For personal or emotional struggles, leaning on those that you can trust to handle your vulnerability with care and without judgment is the best option.
- Respect others’ boundaries: Just because you feel someone can surely help you, that does not mean that during that time they have the capacity to care for you emotionally, mentally, or physically. Make sure you show some grace with your expectations.
Speak clearly and honestly
In most circumstances, people are often scared of asking for help or explaining why they need it—itan feel embarrassing or like you’re being a burden. During this time, they often either miss details or choose to not fully be open in their story. It’s important to be clear when asking for help—people can’t read your mind. Here are some ways that can help you communicate your need for help a bit better:
- Be honest about your feelings and challenges—for example, it could mean asking, “I am feeling overwhelmed with the chores and responsibilities;s; please can you help with some advice?”
- Notice their time and effort: The people you trust also have busy lives and struggles of their own, so be mindful of that too—for example, phrase your request with care, asking, ““I understand you’re busy, and I appreciate you taking the time to listen to my problems.”
- Be straightforward and focused: This depends on the situation, obviously, because in most emotional situations, conversations do take a lot of detours. But, it’s important to not over explain or be complicated when asking for help—stick to the details and what you need from them; this will also help you stay calm.
Frame your request as a collaboration
As humans we are often more receptive to helping when we feel like it’s an activity we are not doing alone—this helps with both understanding and working with a good team dynamic and mutual respect. For example, instead of saying, “Can do this for me?” say, “Can we work on this together?” and use phrases such as “I Appreciate your perspective on this” or “Your advice would mean a lot to me.”
Start small and build confidence
If asking for help can be too much for you, starting with smaller, low-stakes requests can help you be open to asking for and receiving help in the future. Over time, this helps build your confidence and also remove the stigma associated with asking for support. Some examples of small requests could be asking a neighbor to help with a house chore, requesting a colleague to edit a work presentation, or asking a friend for advice about simple decisions like choosing a restaurant.
Be flexible and respect boundaries
When you are asking for help, try your best to not seem as though you are demanding it. People are less likely to help if they feel like they are obligated or pressured into helping you. When speaking to them, make it clear that you respect their time and energy and appreciate their help. A simple change in our tasks can make a significant difference; for example, asking, ““If you’re available this week, I’d love to schedule a quick call to discuss this issue. If not, just let me know what works best for you and respect their decision. If people are unable to help, please keep in mind that it’s often because of other commitments of theirs; don’t take it personally.
Express gratitude
When people are willing to help you out, showing appreciation helps in strengthening relationships and also encourages others to help you in the future. Whether someone offers a listening ear or takes action to help you, always thank them for their effort. Some ways you can do that without being overbearing are sending thank-you notes, emails, or texts; verbally thanking them; and, when you can, returning the favor. Gratitude isn’t just polite—it reinforces positive behaviors and strengthens the bond between you and the person helping you.
Follow up and provide updates
After someone has helped you, they too have now invested their time and efforts in your concerns—it’s kind to keep them informed about how their help made an impact. This not only shows your appreciation but also makes them feel valued and involved in your journey.
Building Emotional Resilience to Handle Rejection
Even when people have the best intentions, not everyone you ask for help can or will be able to help you. It can feel bad when someone rejects you in some way, but here are ways to help you maintain your confidence:
- Change your perception—rejection doesn’t reflect your worthiness but rather says more about the other person’s capability; they can be overwhelmed themselves, busy, or dealing with their own concerns.
- There can be times that people may not like the way or your approach in asking for help—in these cases, you can also choose to ask them how you could have done better.
- Try to open up to more than one person; it can be really hard to depend on one person for all your help—it can also be unfair to them. Try and build a supportive network around you, so you have more than one person you are comfortable opening up with.
How Vulnerability Builds Deeper Connections
Being vulnerable is one of the most effective prequels to deep and meaningful relationships—it helps people understand your authenticity, brings about trust, and instills empathy and intimacy. As with most deep emotions, many people choose to hide their vulnerability for fear of judgment or lack of ways to relieve their emotional distress. Here are some small steps you can take to practice vulnerability:
- Start with smaller deals and continue to bigger ones—try sharing minor challenges or experiences with people before opening up about deeply personal issues.
- Be thankful in acknowledging people for listening to you—it strengthens the bond.
- Give it back—if someone shares their struggles with you, make sure to respond with empathy. Sharing a relatable experience builds mutual trust.
Creating a Long-Lasting Support Network
Humans need humans—building a support network helps with more than just having people around you that you can ask for help. It helps instill safety and confidence in emotions, an openness to different people and experiences, and the ability to empathize and be vulnerable with those from different paths.
- Maintain consistent communication: The more consistent you are with the efforts of maintaining your relations, the more they thrive. Make time in your day or week to check in with friends and loved ones, even if they or you don’t need help.
- Be a source of support: The more you invest in helping others, the more they are to reciprocate when you need a helping hand. Small acts of kindness, like just listening or offering advice, make a bigger impact than you think.
- Strengthen community ties: There are many groups, such as grief groups or local or online communities, where people share common interests or goals. Joining these can help in providing a built-in support system and a sense of belonging.
FAQs
What should I do if no one I know wants to help?
If you feel like you are not being supported in the right way by your personal circle, try to reach out to trusted professionals like therapists, counselors, or helplines. Joining support groups or community organizations can also help you meet people who understand and can empathize with your challenges.
How do I feel like I’m not being judged when asking for help?
Being afraid of being judged is a normal human emotion, but it’s important to remind yourself that everyone needs help at some point. Asking for help is a sign of trust in the other person and focuses on the benefits of seeking support rather than potential criticisms.
How do I help a loved one who struggles to ask for help?
It can be hard to see a loved one struggling, but there are ways to help them open up—encourage healthy communication by making sure they have a safe and judgment-free space for them to express their feelings. Be proactive by offering specific help rather than general statements like, “Let me know if you need anything.”
