It was during our morning walk around our society’s garden when my friend Rajesh confessed something that struck a chord. “You know, Priya and I barely spend time together anymore. She has her kitty parties; I have my golf. Sometimes I wonder what happened to those early days when we couldn’t wait to share everything with each other.”
When Rajesh brought this to my notice, it made me ponder how many are in the same boat. After a while, life gets overcrowded with obligations such as the management of one’s business to social obligations; with hardly any room for the love that once dominated everything.
The Empty Nest: A New Beginning
Remember when our homes were bustling with children’s laughter, exam preparations, and wedding planning? Now, with our children settled in their own lives (mine are in Boston and Bangalore), many of us find ourselves looking at our partner across the dining table, wondering how to fill this new silence.
But that beautiful truth is that this phase of life gives us an opportunity to rediscover each other in a manner in which one happened way back in those early days of marriage with the wisdom of years lived together.
Beginning the Conversation
Recently, at a dinner party in Defence Colony, my wife Anjali and I met a couple who transformed their relationship by simply starting with one question: “What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but never had the time for?”
This simple question opened up a world of possibilities. Here’s how you can begin:
The Art of Listening (Really Listening)
Put aside the iPad and WhatsApp messages for now. When your spouse talks about his or her passions, listen with the same attentiveness you did during those long-distance phone calls in your courtship days. That’s how my friend Arun found out that his wife had always wanted to learn Hindustani classical music—something she had set aside for their three children over the years. Today they go to concerts together, and he is learning to appreciate the nuances of ragas along with her.
Finding Common Ground in Odd Places
You would have nothing in common except discuss children’s careers and investment in properties. Look deeper:
In case she enjoys taking time for morning yoga, you can join the meditation session
If you have a passion for photography, you can ask her to help compose shots on your travels
If one enjoys cooking and the other loves eating, why not take a gourmet cooking class?
Cultural Connection Points
Being Indian, we’re blessed with a rich tapestry of cultural activities that can bring couples closer:
- The Spiritual Journey: Many couples I know have found common ground in spiritual pursuits. Whether it’s attending satsangs together, planning temple visits across India, or simply having philosophical discussions over evening chai, spirituality can create deep bonds.
- The Joy of Giving Back: Consider starting a charitable initiative together. A couple in our circle started teaching underprivileged children on weekends. What started as a way to spend time together has turned out to be their passion for retirement years, giving their life profound meaning.
Modern Adventures for Traditional Hearts
Who says you cannot teach old dogs new tricks? (Though I prefer thinking of us as vintage wine—getting better with age!)
Technology as a Bridge:
- Start a blog together about your travels.
- Learn smartphone photography to document your journey
- Create a shared playlist of songs from your college days
- Take online courses together (My wife and I recently completed a course on Indian art history)
Physical Activities that Bring Joy:
- Morning walks can become nature photography sessions
- Yoga can be a couple’s activity
- Swimming together is both healthy and fun
- Golf can be enjoyed as a pair (my wife finally joined me after 20 years of refusing!)
Overcoming Common Obstacles
“But We’ve Always Done Things Separately.”
Fine. The idea is not to become joined at the hip but to find a few meaningful activities to share. Start small—maybe just 30 minutes a day of shared time doing something you both enjoy.
“What Will People Say?”
In our society, we often worry about log kya kahenge. But times are changing. That uncle who smirked when you joined your wife’s kitty party cooking class? He’s now learning ballroom dancing with his wife!
“We’re Too Old to Start Something New”
Remember how we mastered WhatsApp and FaceTime to stay connected with our children abroad? If we can do that, we can certainly learn new things together.
Creating Your Shared Story
Here are some practical ways to begin:
- The Weekly Date
Set aside one evening a week just for each other. It could be:
- Trying a new restaurant
- Walking in the local park
- Attending a cultural event
- Simply sitting on your balcony with chai and snacks, sharing memories
- Learning Together
Pick something neither of you know and learn together:
- A new language (Spanish is pretty in fashion among our friends planning their Europe trips)
- A musical instrument
- Digital photography
- Organic gardening
- Travel with Purpose
- Plan your trips based on shared interests:
- Food trails in various cities
- Historical sites if both of you are history buffs
- Spiritual destinations
- Wildlife photography expeditions
Making It Last
The Three-Month Rule
Allow new activities to at least run for three months before deciding whether it is not your thing. My wife and I almost quit dancing after a month, but it is now the highlight of our week.
Celebrate Small Wins
- Don’t forget to recognise the efforts of your spouse.
- Appreciate the efforts of your partner in trying out something new
- Celebrate no matter how little progress you are making
- Share your experiences with your friends and family
- Photograph or keep a journal of your experiences
The Deeper Impact
Finding common hobbies isn’t just about filling time; it’s about:
- Building new memories together
- Creating inside jokes only you both understand
- Having something to look forward to together
- Growing as individuals and as a couple
Yesterday, I caught my wife telling her friend, “You know, after 35 years of marriage, I’m finally learning what makes him laugh so much about test cricket. And surprisingly, I’m beginning to enjoy it too!”
Never is it too late to write new chapters into the love story. You just start off with open arms and hearts willing to walk each other through each other’s worlds, since, in our culture, it is all said that a journey is important too, besides the destination.
Remember that perfection isn’t the goal; it is a connection. Start small, be patient, and most importantly, enjoy the journey of rediscovery together. Who knows? The best chapter of your relationship might just be waiting to be written.
FAQs
1. We have very different interests. How do we find common ground?
Start small—observe each other’s routines and hobbies, and look for opportunities to engage. If your partner loves gardening, you can start by simply spending time in the garden together. If they enjoy reading, try discussing a book or an article they like. Even watching a movie together and analysing it can be a start.
2. How do we find time for each other when we have our daily routines?
Making something a habit requires time. Begin with the smallest, perhaps 15-30 minutes of daily activity, such as taking a short walk, making evening tea together, or simply discussing your day without distractions. You will then enjoy the moment and, of course, automatically find more time for each other.
3. We’ve been married for decades—shouldn’t we already know everything about each other?
Not necessarily! People change over time. Just because you know someone for a long time does not mean that you haven’t changed since you met them. Open-ended questions like “What’s something new you’ve always wanted to try?” or “What’s a childhood dream you never pursued?” can yield some surprising insights.
4. What if one of us is reluctant to try new things together?
Instead of forcing shared activities, focus on curiosity. Introduce an idea subtly—if your spouse enjoys music, suggest attending a concert together. If they love history, find a travel documentary to watch together. The goal is to spark interest rather than impose change.
5. We struggle to have meaningful conversations beyond family matters. How can we improve communication?
Try using conversation prompts to get the deeper conversations going again. Here are a few ideas:
- What’s your favourite memory from our early days together?
- What was something fun we did that we’d like to do again?
- If you could relive any one day from our past, which one would it be and why?
6. What if one of us likes social activities and the other likes quieter time?
The secret is balance. Schedule activities that alternate between both of your preferences—for example, go to a cultural event or a group activity once a month but also spend quiet evenings together at home. Respect each other’s social needs while making an effort to do things together.
